2-Minute Stress Buster:
If You're Sorry, Say it Slowly
Two studies published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology show that the later you try to make amends, the better it's received. In the first, 25 young adults recalled a time when they felt wronged, recounted the timing of the apology, and answered questions such as, "Did you say why you were mad?" and "Did the other person say they understood?" In the second, 83 volunteers read a description of being stood up by a friend, then considered three scenarios: an immediate mea culpa, a delayed one, and none. Both studies show that a person is more willing to accept an apology after she's expressed her feelings and had them understood. "If someone says, 'I'm sorry,' but doesn't clearly understand what she did wrong, she comes off as disingenuous," says Cindy McPherson Frantz, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Oberlin College and co-author of the studies. "And there's a high risk that she'll do the same thing again."
Just don't delay too long before seeking forgiveness. People aren't receptive to apologies after they've stopped thinking about a painful situation. "It's not better late than never; it's really better later than sooner," Frantz says.
—Aviva Patz is a frequent contributor to Health.
Published April 2005
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